Update on last night’s post: I took the camp job. I’ll probably regret it in a few weeks, lol. But i’m still working on some other possibilities and if one of those comes through before June then I’ll probably take that instead. And I reminded myself that taking or not taking a summer job really has nothing to do with me deciding whether or not I’m okay with not having a career in entertainment. 

I’m listening to the new She & Him album and I’m almost halfway through and not loving it yet, which is pretty disappointing because usually I love the songs and the lyrics and they’re kinda relatable and stuff. But there are still a few more songs to hear so maybe I’ll like those better. Or maybe it’s one of those albums that requires you to listen to it a few times before you really like it. 

Apparently it’s the series finale of 90210 next week so I’m thinking about watching. It probably won’t make much sense to me since I haven’t watched in years, but it was pretty good back when the original BH90210 cast was still part of this new version. 

I’m so stressed/overwhelmed/indecisive lately and I’m sure I’m over-thinking everything. I mean, work and school are a little crazy for the next two weeks and I’m busier than usual with babysitting and stuff, but I can handle that. I’m worrying about the uncertainty of the fall, like not knowing where my internship will be and not being sure if I can handle work, school, and internship. But I can’t even let myself get crazy over that yet because first is the summer. 

This should be an easy decision and no big deal, but I’m over-thinking it. I don’t know if I want to work at the camp affiliated with the school I teach at or not. They offered me a position as the lead counselor of the 2-year olds, which are the kids I have now (only like 3 of them are going, but I guess some other kids are too). But it’s like 9:45-3:45. I wanted to work until 2-ish only. And the money isn’t even close to my regular salary, but it is more than the other counselors make. Last year I worked 9-12:30 in the summer and that was perfect; I wish that were an option. I just feel like I’m so busy during the school year and I want some free time this summer. But I don’t want to not work because I like the extra money and I don’t want to get bored just being home and doing nothing. Maybe I’ll just make a pros and cons list; I don’t know. 

I think the reason I’m stressing so much over this decision is actually because of something bigger: the future in general. At different ages when I was growing up I expected my “adult” life to be different things. Right now it’s not really what I expected it to be at any of those ages, but I’m not unhappy with it because I’m working towards making it what I want. (Although I really need to work on the social aspect more than the career thing and I’m kinda doing it the other way around, which isn’t helping). 

I just want to be happy everyday. Not that I’m not happy now; I love working with kids. But my mom comes home from work (she’s a college professor) and goes online to look up more stuff she can do with her students and all kinds of things about education and she’s really passionate about it, and that’s great. I want that. I come home and look up stuff about TV and celebrities. And I’ve always wanted to do an entertainment journalism type of job, but I’m not outgoing enough or pretty enough to be on camera. It’s just that when I went on the WB Studios tour last summer and when I went to Good Afternoon America last summer, I just wanted to stay in those places forever. (I may have even cried a little the day after GAA because I was going back to NYC for school orientation and not for another GAA taping!) My mom said my eyes lit up and she could just see how happy I was on the WB tour and at GAA. I don’t want to continue this degree in social work if it’s not right for me. I mean, I’m also passionate about helping kids and I really think I would like working with children who are selective mutes and helping them to overcome their anxiety, but will I always be wondering, “What if…?” Will I be able to accept that I’ll never have a job in the entertainment industry? I don’t know. I wanted to try to get an internship that’s semi-related to that this summer so I could find out if I liked that type of environment everyday and could feel comfortable and realize that’s where I want to be, or was it just the one-time thrill and I’d really be happier doing education or social work. Or i thought if I could try volunteering for something along the lines of things I’m interested in in social work (we don’t get topic our internship in the fall) then maybe that would help clear my confusion. But no one answers emails apparently (I’m sure they’re just busy and will get to it eventually, but probably will have to say no anyway) so I haven’t gotten any answers. And applying for internships at like ABC almost seems pointless because I’m totally not qualified for half of the things the internships are for. There’s no “pop culture entertainment writer/behind the scenes person” internship or job. But even if somehow I did get something and did decide that’s the route I wanted to go, I could probably never get a job. I mean, there are probably a million people who want to work in TV, and I don’t stand out as special. Plus I’d probably have to go to school for something else and I don’t even want to think about that right now! 

I don’t know. I’m so tired that half of this probably doesn’t even make sense. I haven’t written a “real life” post on tumblr in months so I should probably just not even post this, but whatever. Maybe I’ll try writing about this in a more coherent way tomorrow, probably on LJ. I guess right now I just have to make a decision about camp and then take the rest of the “big” decisions from there. But maybe just writing this will at least help me sleep easier tonight!

So, I apparently use the “reminders” in my iPhone excessively, according to my sister! We were in the car yesterday on the way to Pennsylvania and it was about two and a half hours so we were finding ways to entertain ourselves and she was like, “Woah! I have no reminders set. How many do you have? What’s in your brain if all that’s in your phone?!” 

And then I realized that I do rely on them too much, probably, but other stuff is in my brain too! Obviously. But I also realized that there’s a problem if you don’t respond to the reminders in a timely fashion. Most of them have a day and time set, but some are just general “whenever I get to it” reminders. We found one that I’m going to say is from somewhere between August and December of last year and it says, “Look up pimple cream that Brittany Snow suggested in interview.” Really?! I couldn’t have maybe put the name of the cream or where the interview was from or the date or something?! I guess I assumed I wouldn’t wait until April to actually Google the cream, but still. So now I’m looking around for this interview, but I’m not very hopeful that I’ll find it! haha. All I remember is that it was uncommon, like not a talk show; it was either for a magazine or beauty website. 

Anyway, later in the car ride we were listening to my sister’s 90’s playlist and LFO’s “Girl on TV” came on and I was like, “Remember how this was written about Jennifer Love Hewitt because one of the guys was dating her and then it was kinda awkward when the song was on TRL because Carson Daly used to date her?!” And my sister was like, “I never knew that! See?! These are the things you need to get out of your brain so you can remember where things are and what you need to do!”